We’ve all heard it a million and one times that communication is KEY to a successful relationship, but when one of you has anxiety communication can become even more difficult. And that holds true for me and John.

I had been friends with John for a little over a year when we first started talking about dating. Up to this point John knew nothing about my anxiety, he had never seen me go through a panic attack, or experienced my racing thoughts. I had sheltered most of my “anxious ticks” if you will, away from everyone. I didn’t want the judgement or jokes. When it came to being in a relationship however, I knew I needed to be open and honest from the start.

On our very first date I told him every time I was getting anxious. Even though I really liked him and didn’t want to scare him off, I knew if I couldn’t be completely myself with him it wasn’t going to work anyways. To be honest, I don’t think John really realized what he was getting himself in to, until I started expressing every anxious thought LOL! Amazingly though, he stuck around and ever so patiently began to learn more about anxiety in general, and how to support me specifically.

It’s been 3 years since that first date, and I truly believe our relationship wouldn’t be going so strong if I hadn’t been honest from the beginning, he hadn’t been willing to work at it, and we hadn’t talked openly every step of the way. We’ve of course had our struggles along the way, at times mis-communicating so bad we’d just give up and laugh it off, but we always keep trying to learn new ways to get through every situation.

Through our each of our missteps we’ve found solutions that have brought us back to a place of compassion and grace. So if you, or your partner has anxiety, here’s our tried and true solutions to communicating to your partner when you have anxiety:

• Always tell your partner when you begin to feel anxious – If you’re anything like me and anxiety seems to show up at least a few times an hour, this may be annoying first. However, letting your partner into the inner workings of your brain (i.e., when you have anxiety, why you believe you’re anxious, etc) will help them understand your patterns of anxiety and what anxiety really looks like for you. Doing this has led John to know when I’m about to get anxious and calm my thoughts before I even say anything! It’s such a relief!

• Tell your partner what you need in that moment and why – *They can’t read your mind!* – Your partner should be a person who wants to support you through all your struggles and help you get to a better place. They can’t know how to help you if you don’t verbally express what you need and why. Sometimes when I’m having a panic attack I can’t always verbalize what I need, so I quickly tell John that I just need him to be quiet and sit there. When the panic is over we discuss what happened and what I needed from him. This way the next time I have a panic he knows what to do!

• Come up with code words to express things you need to tell the other person but which usually hurts the other persons feelings – This may seem a little bit silly but it’s helped our relationship a ton. I used to get very anxious when John would ask for space, my anxious thoughts would tell me I did something wrong and he wants to break up. This turned to MANY talks, and some fights but eventually we came to understand that everyone needs alone time and this doesn’t mean he’s breaking up with me. So when either of us needs our space, instead of saying “give me space!” we say “pillow” (don’t ask why that’s our code word, it just works for us LOL) and then we know the other person still loves us but just needs a little space.

• Give each other space during arguments – Let’s be honest, no one has ever resolved a fight by screaming at one another. When tempers are up unfair words and criticisms can also arise leading to more destruction than deserved. So when John and I see our tempers rising and we begin to raise our voices, we stop. Question. And then separate into different rooms to reconvene after we have cooled down a bit. This always leads to a positive, growth-filled conversation, where we each take turns expressing why we were upset. More often then not, anxiety got the best of one of us which led to a simple mis-communication, we laughed about it, grew from it, and moved on!

• Always remind each other that fighting is good – I used to freak out every time John and I would get into a fight because I thought it was the end (silly anxiety brain). After a year or so of battling these thoughts, I learned that all the fights actually brought us together. Fighting means we are different people, with our own sets of likes, dislikes, and desires, and through fighting you get to know what those are. Fighting is good as it makes your relationship stronger. Just always remember fighting is good as long as you’re fighting for each other and not for yourself, if you can do that, then you two can get through and grow from anything.

Try a few of these the next time you or your partner are getting anxious and see if they help alleviate the tension. Let me know below which ones you tried, and if they helped or not. OR what are some tricks you and your partner have when dealing with anxiety, let know as well!