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So who’s all a perfectionist out there! Hello! Hi! My name is Hayley and I’m a recovering perfectionist (LOL!). In all seriousness, perfectionism is an actual form of anxiety and I definitely struggle with it.

I can’t remember when it started, but I can say that I’ve always felt the need to be 110% at what I do. Not only that, but if my activities weren’t making me money, educating me, or supporting my physical health, then they were simply a waste of my time.

After being furloughed for COVID19, I struggled with this even harder. The moment I was furloughed I thought, “I can do this! I’m going to start a bunch of new businesses, learn a new language, redo my resume, get crazy fit, etc, etc, etc, etc…” Little did I know that about a week into quarantine I would feel the toll of not leaving my house, of not seeing my friends and family, and my anxiety would start to kick into overdrive.

I would wake up later than normal (1PM…ughh.) and be wrought with anger at how much of the day I had already wasted. I’d jump out of bed and pressure myself to still try and do everything on my list. This ultimately turned into stress, which turned into panic attacks, which turned into exhaustion, leading me to fall asleep at my work desk, not accomplishing anything at all. This continued for weeks.

Feeling emotionally done, on top of the consistent panic of potential illness, I sought help. I’ll save you the details of everything we worked through, but it came to pass that I should really take up a hobby… just for fun (this sounded like a painfully foreign concept to me). No pressure. Just to enjoy. Ugh.

To be honest, I wasn’t doing much of looking for a “fun” hobby, until one day an artist friend of mine posted on Facebook how to paint! A switch went off! I mean, I remember how badly I wanted to paint growing up, but “it wasn’t productive” so I didn’t…. I decided to go for it!

The next day I jumped into my car and headed for Hobby Lobby. A quick look around the store lead me to exactly where I needed to be and turns out they had everything I needed, HALF OFF!!! I took it as a sign from the universe that this is definitely the hobby I needed to pick up.

As soon as I arrived home, I got started! Setting up my easel, mixing my paints, deciding on a design, it all felt so relaxing and just, fun (who da thunk?)! After a couple hours of trial and error my painting was done. It wasn’t perfect by any means, and I doubt the Smithsonian would ever want to hang it up on their walls, but for once in my life I didn’t care! I just had fun and enjoyed the resulting product.

I’ve painted several times since that first day and I can tell you I still get just as much relaxation and joy out of it. Sure, I’m still no where near the next Picasso, but that’s okay! I don’t need to be a world famous artist, or even sell my work on Etsy. I can just enjoy painting, for the sheer joy of it. And that is such an exciting turn of events!

Now when my anxiety flares up from not being productive enough, or I get stressed out from not being perfect at everything, I remind myself, “you don’t have to perfect at something to enjoy it” and I go out and paint.