Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 3

Isn’t it funny how we grow up completely content with our naked faced selves until one day someone/something tells us we shouldn’t be? I believe I was somewhere around the age of 13 when I first realized that I was ugly and I NEEDED make-up to be considered pretty/popular/loveable. Luckily I had an older sister who, much to her digression, had a vast makeup stash I could rampage and start practicing putting on eyeliner, mascara, the works.

Now these were the early 2000’s, the days before YouTube Make-Up Tutorials, so I most certainly didn’t have a clue what I was doing, and I look back and laugh at the clown I turned myself into. However, my 13 year old self was rocking those looks and felt like a supermodel! That was, until the day was done, the make-up was all washed off, and I looked into the mirror and saw myself for what I really was: ugly, a fake, and stupid.

This daily cycle of confidence to self hatred continued until my Sophomore year in college when I decided cold turkey to go on a 6 months no make-up fast. At this time in my life I was exhausted waking up extra early to put on make-up for classes where no one was even looking at me. Make-up wasn’t making me feel better about myself, it was getting in the way of my studies, and it was holding me back from feeling 100% confident in my own skin.

So I did it! 6 months no make-up, and boy let me tell you it was 10,000,000 times more difficult than I thought. At first it was easy, I would jump out of bed, brush my hair, wash my face, and go! Simple. Then started the days where I normally would have been excited about putting on make up, such as group events, dates, and weekend excursions. There were times when I seriously thought about quitting and just putting on a little bit. I mean, I’m the one who put myself in this situation, nothing is truly holding me back from putting on a little liner. But alas, I said no.

I knew that if I gave in to my self-depricating thoughts I would once again be back to my endless love/hate relationship with myself and I was too old (woo 22!), and too tired to put up with it anymore! I needed to come to terms with how God made me. The way I looked from birth was the way I was intended to look, and I needed to love that version of myself first, before I could ever put make-up on again.

The reassuring self talk continued throughout the 6 months, and by the end I can honestly say I was in such a better mental place. In fact, it was awhile after that 6 months that I decided to put on makeup again, and when I did I genuinely thought I looked like a clown. Did I really think all this blush, shadow, and massive eyeliner made me “pretty”??

I was happy with my new found confidence and didn’t wear makeup most of the time for the rest of college. After graduation however, life seemed so uncertain. A new city, new people, new jobs, my confidence waned from increased daily pressure of trying to find my place in the world. Thus, I turned to my own friend make-up to give myself a little extra boost of encouragement.

That was 6 years ago, and now I’m living in even more uncertain times: a global pandemic! Even the word itself “pandemic” is unnerving. Throughout this pandemic I’ve been having to face my naked-faced self once again and come to terms with what I really look like, who I really am without all the cover up, contouring, and eyebrow filler. I remember my 22 year old self and the confidence she had at the end of her fast. How silly she felt being chained to make up. How mad she would be at me now for going to back to my old habits and falling into the dogma that says how I look matters more than who I am.

So here I am, May 2020, facing my true self, for her and for me. It’s not easy, and the little critics in my mind definitely remind me how much I need make-up to be even remotely attractive and loved. They aren’t who I want to be though. They don’t speak what is true. So as the critics fill my head with incessant lies, I look to my 22 year old self, and mustering up as much as confidence as I can, remind myself, “I’m awesome, with or without make up” and continue on my day.